Has anyone got a hosepipe that actually works? They are one of the most annoying things on the planet (apart from clothes hangers).  First of all, they need the right fittings for your tap. This could be an adapter thingy, a screw on thingy or a push on thingy with a jubilee clip.  Chances are that no matter what you do, as soon as you turn on the tap, it will still leak out of some tiny gap.

Next we have the hosepipe itself. It might be thin plastic, thick plastic or one of those nylon fibre flat ones. Depending on the type, you might have to unreel it completely before use. Even at this point, it can kink, stopping all water flowing through it until you retrace your steps to find the offending bend that shouldn’t be there. Don’t dare look down the end of the nozzle though to see where the water has gone.

Your next issue will be length. Will it actually go from the tap at the back of your house right round to the bay window at the front to water your hanging baskets? You may have to join two lengths. You will need a male part and a female part. Try as you might, however you introduce the two, they will disagree and send squirts of water all over you. When you give the hosepipe just one little tug to make it reach where you want to be, you can be sure that the two parts of hose will separate and shower you with freezing cold water.

Finally, you have to wind it all in, full of water. It is probably covered in slimy mud. It is stiff with the cold. Your fingers are numb. The hosepipe has become your enemy and you must defeat it and show it who is boss! In the winter it needs nurturing in case it freezes and once it has wheedled its way into your life it will demand all manner of widgets to make it happy – a sprinkler, a long extension rod for high up squirting, a brush for car washing, a jet nozzle for blasting dirt away.

Yet, we like nothing better on a summer’s day than standing in our verdant paradise, hosepipe in hand, watching the pretty flowers get drenched and seeing rainbows in the jet of water.


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